Synopsis: An arms maker turns evil and it is up to an elite group of soldiers to take them down. I am being nice.
Stars: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Dennis Quaid, Sienna Miller, Christopher Eccelston, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (awesome name), Rachel Nichols, Ray Park (Dude, Darth Maul, Headless Horseman, Toad, fer rills), Byung-hun Lee, Saïd Taghmaoui, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Arnold Vosloo. That’s right, I am punishing all of you. And looking through the IMDB list of stars, I notice Brendan Frasier is not listed. YOU CAN’T HIDE FROM ME!!!
Dear GOD, that was the worst Stars Wars movie yet! That pod race was totally unbelievable. And the whole Death Star scene? Come on, just because it’s underwater doesn’t make it any cooler. Under water on Hoth. I mean, that light saber fight scene on Cloud City was cool, but that’s about it for the cool factor. And why did they make Lando gay? And why was C3PO a French guy? And… what’s that? No, I don’t have my movies mixed up. What are you talking about? GI JOE? That action figure thing with the “life like hair” and “kung-fu grip”? Get out of here. Darth Vader was in the damn movie! I mean, this time he was Leia’s brother, but still! … You gotta be BSing me.
Now that that parts over with, I can go on. GI JOE. I was never really a fan when I was a kid. I either just missed it, or my parents thought I went choke on the tiny toys. I had a bad habit of trying to eat things that were not food when I was a child. I finally stemmed it in college (Shane, shut your mouth). So, I must say that I have very little knowledge of the characters or any of their backgrounds. I am going over this purely as a wanna-be movie critic.
WHAT A PIECE OF $%&^!!!!!!
Things I Liked:
Ninja, ninja, RAP- Ninja fights are always cool. Martial arts are cool in general for that matter. So this part is pretty much a no-brainer. Now that I know it was Ray Park up there fighting, I think it was a lot cooler. I’m glad to see he’s still getting a chance to show off his moves.
That about covers that.
Things I Didn’t Like:
Failed twists, lame turns- When it came down to trying to make the story really engaging, the makers of the movie relied heavily on flashbacks and little pieces of story that were left hanging till the end. It didn’t work. We didn’t need that many flashbacks to explain the relationships between any of the characters. It didn’t need to be paced so you got a little at a time. I even got tired of watching (SPOILER) Kid Snake-Eyes and Kid Stormshadow punch each other silly. And who didn’t see the “twist” at the end? And who gave a flying EFF who Darth… er, I mean, the doctor really turned out to be. NO ONE. Well, I didn’t at least.
Things I Hated:
Welcome to the year 2000- I have to say, all those PlayStation One graphics they used really brought the whole movie together for me. Did you like it when plastic Scarlet did that awesome stunt with the motorcycle? Or that awesome secret desert base that appeared to ALSO be made out of some cheap polyurethane? HOW ABOUT THEM FLYING/SWIMMING SHIPS? It really adds realism when you briefly see the pilot of said ship as it passes by. And I thought that polar bear was gonna jump off the screen and grab me a freaking coke! I CANNOT BELIEVE that no one though, gee? Maybe we should polish some of this stuff up before we finish up production. Nah, the average movie goer isn’t going to notice that it all looks like Adobe Photoshop.
Ok, now that I have ranted about that, I just want to say that I know how hard it is to make things look real with computers, even with today’s technology. And I know that the movie is basically a Sci-Fi action films, emphasis on Fi. That being said, what they put out on that screen was pathetic. There is no excuse for SO MANY bad effects. If they couldn’t afford to make everything look as good as it could, they should have taken it down a few notches. They didn’t need all the tech crap they tried to put in to make a good movie. There is no excuse for such slop.
Advertisements- I don’t know about anyone else who saw the movie, but I want some Double Bubble. And I’m going to use Norton Anti-Virus, because you know, that’s what the big wigs use.
Verdict:
My head hurts. My head physically hurts from having gone and seen this movie. Since I liked some of the things I saw in this movie, I cannot give it a 1. I give it a reluctant 2. SEE AT YOUR OWN RISK. Curiosity is trying to kill you, and after this movie is done, you may want to do the job yourself. Maybe you are better off just going to You-Tube and looking up some martial arts tourneys.
By the way, Channing Tatum? Give Paul Walker his face and acting ability back.
I hesitate just a bit as I type this. I don't want the cerebral types to think that I'm shallow or uneducated. Nor do I wish to insult any readers or writers. I had a blast watching the GI Joe movie. Yes it was highly formulaic, maybe even to the point of rip off but I thought it was good shoot-em-up fun. There was an intense cheese factor to much of it but as I went on my 35th birthday to recapture some of the mindless, impossible, completely fictional imaginations of my youth I felt that the movie totally fulfilled my wish. I wish that Brendan Fraser and Randy Quaid were not in the movie but I also wish that the characters Mutt, Bazooka, Gung Ho, Shipwreck and Tomax and Xamot were in the movie which would have made it even cheesier. My vote:Good, brainless fun, and I appreciate the opportunity to escape from work, life and hobos for a couple of hours. Happy birthday to me.
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